Three and One Half

Dear Penny,

Well, hello there, my little 3.5 year old friend. We've certainly seen some ups and downs these past three months. I want to focus on the ups, but I have to tell you a couple of things. I think you are worried about the future. I want you to know that I worry about the future too. But there are some things you can't control, and as you get older, you realize that you can't control them, and they get easier to deal with. But for now, you aren't too sure about this older sister business coming to a household near you. You have a short fuse and an angry streak lately. We've had time outs within time outs! I'm not sure where your rage comes from, although it subsides just as quickly as it comes on. Recently, you threw a colossally mortifying fit and in the icy silence that followed, you said, calmly, "I don't want to be a big sister. I want the baby to be the big sister. I want to be the baby."

Oh, honey. Maybe we've been talking up the Big Sister thing too much. Maybe you're worried about what life will be like once there's a new baby in the house. Hell, I'm worried about what life will be like in another two months. But I need you to be my big girl. I know you can do it.

When I came to pick you up from Grandma and Grandpa's after my ultrasound appointment, you were still asleep. When you woke up, you came downstairs all groggy and crabby. I said, "Penny, you're going to have a little brother!" And you burst into tears. You wailed, "Nooooo! I want a sister!" And then I started to cry. I cried because I was hormonal and tired and the ultrasound was stressful for me this time around. And I cried because I felt like I had let you down. I have always imagined that I would have a couple of little girls who were the very best of friends. I never seriously believed I would have a boy because there are only girls on my side of the family. I have no idea what having a brother is like. For all I know, boys really do have cooties, and they're smelly and messy and gross. (Someday, your brother is going to read this and say, "Thanks a lot, you guys.")

But then do you know what happened? I showed you the ultrasound pictures of your baby brother, and you were awestruck. You couldn't put them down. You started giggling. And then I cried out of relief. Now, you tell everyone you're going to have a baby brother. Every day you tell me you're going to play with him and read to him and show him Baby Signing Time and help give him bottles. You are so excited. You've also been saying you have a baby in your belly and you tell me when he's kicking.

Do you know what else? You are going to teach your brother so many things. You know which foot is your right foot and which is your left. You listen so well to your teacher at school and to your teacher at dance, I could burst with pride. You have an amazing imagination — you have at least five different imaginary friends and you create your own adventures with them. One of them is "The Little Black Ghost," who might be like a soot sprite from My Neighbor Totoro? Anyway, he follows you around and goes "Thump!" and gets on your nerves sometimes.

My favorite thing to do in the morning is to hold you on my lap while you're still sleepy and cuddle you and smell your hair. Sometimes I'm nearly late for work because I can't break away. I love you more than anything. There will still be room for you on my lap when your brother comes. There will be room in my heart for both of you. You will always by my girl, my daughter, my firstborn. You will always be my baby.

Love,

Mom.

39 Months Old

Dear Penny,

You're 39 months old? Get out! I think you are also a smarty-pants. That's a good thing. Last summer, we told you that the annoying truck that drives around the neighborhood blasting music at unsafe levels was a "music truck," and whenever you'd hear it, you'd say, "There goes the music truck!" Well, yesterday, you saw it drive by while you were standing at the door and you could see the pictures of ice cream on the side. You exclaimed, "Hey! The 'music truck' is an ice cream truck!" There goes that illusion. I'm sorry we deceived you, but I can't support something that plays music (sometimes Christmas music, in the summer!) that loud through the neighborhood. Also, we have ice cream in the freezer.

You've picked up some of the expressions we say, much to my chagrin. The other day you informed me that you didn't want to wait to have a snack at home because "Our snacks at home are crappy!" When dad was teasing you the other night, you said, "You're killing me!" which is something he says. You say, "All. Right. FINE." And "Don't freak out." You have the attitude of a teenager, but at least you use these expressions in the appropriate context. I can't wait to hear what you pick up at school.

The bedtime ritual has gotten insanely long and drawn out. July was tough because in Utah, there are two holidays that involve excessive amounts of fireworks. The 4th, which the rest of the country celebrates, and the 24th, which signifies when the pioneers first came to the Salt Lake Valley. Anyway, this year, our state legislators (in their infinite wisdom) decided to pass a law allowing fireworks to be available for the whole month of July. So for many nights, the sounds of fireworks in the neighborhood kept you awake until 11:00 at night. So these days the ritual goes something like this: put on pajamas, brush your teeth, read a story, get a drink of water "from the fridgerator," get hugs from mommy, get hugs from daddy, turn out the lights, get another drink of water, ask to go potty, go potty, get back in bed, tell stories with daddy, and then another drink of water, or whatever other stalling tactic you can think of. I get a little exasperated because this all takes a while. But the stories you and Daddy make up are outrageously funny. Yours always start out like this: "Once about a time..." And Dad's stories make you giggle. I think this part of the bedtime ritual can stay.

You use the potty! I can't tell you how delighted we are. I'm sorry I complained about it so much, but I didn't think it would ever happen. You are a little gymnast! You are very skilled at balancing on the different balance beams. You try so hard in class and it makes me very proud. We are still working on not yelling and not having meltdowns about the little things. I'm not going to give up, because I think it might just be part of being three.

You are going to be a big sister! Yep. This has been a major development these past months. You came with me to the doctor and we heard the heartbeat of your little brother or sister. Sometimes you say you want a brother, and sometimes you say you'd like a sister. We won't know either way for a couple of weeks. But I want to tell you what a wonderfully, incredibly important thing it is to be a big sister. It's something your mom and dad decided we want you to experience. Our lives are going to change, again. And this time, you get to help us.

You and Daddy have been spending a lot of time together because I've been so busy and so tired. I went back school in June, so I've had homework and other obligations that interfere with some of our quality time together. I'm sorry about that too. You've handled it pretty well so far, and your dad has been helping a lot. I can't wait to be done, even though I just started. You have been a surprisingly good sport about all of this.

Even though you will be starting school next month, you will always be my baby. Even though you can put on some of your clothes by yourself and use the potty, you will always be my baby. Even though you're going to be a big sister, you will always be my baby. You will always be my baby.

Love,

Mom.

Three Years Old

May 6, 2011

Dear Penny,

Today you are three years old. THREE. Three years ago, your dad and I were in the hospital, holding our brand new baby girl, overjoyed with love and rapture and disbelief. It was, without a doubt, the happiest day of my life. (And that includes my 7th birthday, which is the year I got a brand new bicycle for my birthday, the "Desert Rose.") We stared at you for hours; awestruck by your tiny fingers and toes. We grinned when you yawned and stretched, we marveled at every bit of you.

You are still a marvel. You are getting taller, and your hair reminds me of a jar of honey sitting in the sunlight. Your laugh is contagious. You are, how can I say this? Dramatic. Everything is an emergency, so you can come off as a little bossy from time to time, truth be told. But you are working on asking for things nicely and not shouting at people, and understanding when things are not as big of a deal as you might think.

You are also getting better at using words to explain why you don't like certain things ("I frustrated!") and you can tell me when you are worried about something. You really are sweet and sensitive. Sometimes I forget that someone so young can have such complicated emotions.

You love dancing and playing and drawing and painting. You have a knack for art, which fills my heart with pride. You also have quite the imagination. The other day you told me you were going to the jungle and you were taking food for all of the animals. You have long, in-depth conversations with yourself and your toys and you really like it when we join in and play with you.



Last summer, you were digging in the yard and finding worms in the garden with your dad. So far this spring, you are not a fan of bugs at all, but I hope this is just a phase. Sometimes you freeze in place on the sidewalk and just scream in panic. Ants aren't going to hurt you, silly!



This coming year will bring a lot of new things. We found a preschool we really like—It's hard to believe you will be going to school soon. I am excited for you to make more friends, to learn new things, and to learn how to interact with adults who aren't your parents or your grandparents.

We have been talking about changing your bed to a "big girl bed." I think you are excited about this prospect, but you are also apprehensive. After all, big girls go to school and use the potty. There's a lot to take on, and I'm sure it seems daunting. But we are here with you, and we're all in this together. You are a big girl, Penny, but you will always be my baby. Happy Birthday.

Love,
Mom

33 Months Old

Dear Penny,

It's hard to believe that in a mere three months, you will be 3 years old. Sometimes it seems like you're already 3, but I think it's ok for you to be 2 just a little while longer. As I'm writing this, you are sick with a nasty cough, which marks the 3rd illness you've had in 3 months. I think it's going to be a long night. I can't wait for warmer weather so we can air out the house and kick winter to the curb.

You love to play pretend - sometimes you're a mommy taking her baby for a walk, or putting her baby to bed. Sometimes you're a cowgirl, galloping all over the house on her make-believe horse (which for some reason, bucks you off a lot, and then you pretend to cry). You also enjoy painting on your easel and you've learned that mixing blue and red together makes your favorite color. You prefer to do things by yourself, and you scold me when I forget, which makes me laugh. ("No, I do it!")

You are very opinionated about the songs you want to hear in the car. The other day, you made your dad play "Joe Hill" at least 5 times, and although it is an important and meaningful song, it's a little macabre. Now you go around singing, "I never died, said he!" We haven't had to explain death to you yet, though. If it comes up, I'm going to let Daddy field that topic, since he played that song for you in the first place.


Playing "My Side!" with Daddy at the table.



I never thought I'd see the day when I'd be waking you up in the morning instead of the other way around, but we've had a few mornings where you've slept in to the point where I had to get you up so we could make it to dance on time. And speaking of dance, I'm really proud of you, Penny. I don't dance with you in class anymore because you can do everything by yourself. I sit off to the side with the other parents. You listen to your teacher (for the most part), and you remember what she's taught you, which means that you've also learned some French in the process.



The other day, I caught you looking in a little mirror; pretending to "get ready" by rubbing your face with a piece of Styrofoam, as if you were applying makeup, and my heart almost stopped. I have to remember that you are always paying attention, and sometimes I forget that. I am your role model. I set the examples for you to follow, in my actions and my behavior. Oh Honey, I'm really not ready for you to be interested in makeup yet, even though I wear it. Someday I will explain the definition of "hypocrite."

Otherwise, life is pretty good, unless you're sick, like tonight. And sometimes, even though you're almost 3 and you like to do so many things yourself, you still need me, and I still need to be needed. My heart still melts when you tell me you love me. I will never get tired of hearing that. You will always be my baby.

Love,
Mom.

30 Months Old

Dear Penny,

Wow, we have a crazy schedule right now. I'm doing some different things at work and I feel like I spend most of my time in the car, just driving around the valley. You started a Toddler Group in September, and it's been a lot of fun to go to "school" with you. Sometimes you don't want to sit in your seat, and sometimes you'd rather lie on your belly on the floor. Sometimes we have to go in the hall to have a "conversation" until you're ready to participate in circle time (but don't feel bad, you're not the only kid who doesn't want to sit). But mostly, you have a blast. You like singing all the songs and making art projects, and you REALLY love snack time. I think the other moms must wonder if I feed you breakfast, because you usually want seconds or thirds. You are learning to share toys with the other kids, and to take turns, and maybe by the end of the year, you'll be able to walk in the door without saying "Noooooo!" when the teacher says Hi to you or asks you a direct question.



You also like to come home and play school. You get out your little stool and sing the "hello song" to your dollies, one at at time. Maybe you will be a teacher when you're all grown up. It sort of runs in the family, you know. When you're not at dance or at school, you are usually at Grandma's house. When I picked you up today, you told me you didn't want to go home and that you wanted to stay with Grandma. You have no idea how much it thrills her to hear you say that. You keep Grandma plenty busy and she likes that.



I stopped counting the words in your sentences once you reached 8+ word phrases. I can have whole conversations with you, and tonight at dinner you asked your Aunt Emily what she did today. I love to hear you talk and pronounce new words and it always surprises (and worries) me how much you understand.

I bought plane tickets for us to go to Denver next month, just you and me. I debated whether or not to take you, and I could have nabbed the opportunity to have a trip by myself. But you're my best pal and I can't bear to be away from you for 3 whole nights. So we're going to have a girls' trip, just you and I. It's either going to be loads of fun, and/or I'm completely insane to take you by myself without Daddy's help. But I'm looking forward to our little adventure.

Penny, I'm sorry if it seems like I'm tired and stressed and busy. I am all of those things. It makes me simultaneously laugh and grimace when you pretend to take a shower and say to me, "You play by yourself, ok? I taking a shower." Or, "Goodbye, I going to work! I miss you!" But I relish my days off with you and my favorite thing to do is cuddle you and kiss your warm, sleepy face when we get up in the morning. Daddy has already started working longer hours now that the holidays are approaching and I know he'd rather be home playing with you.

You are two and a half! I'm a little shocked by this. But you will always be my baby, ok?

Love,
Mom.

27 Months Old

Dear Penny,

Oh, dear. We seem to be in the thick of the "terrible twos," not that I care for that term. You are certainly not terrible. But we are navigating some difficult terrain, punctuated by daily screaming fits. We can usually get through most of the day, but right around dinner time, logic and reason fail, communication ceases, and you totally fall apart. And then I have to tell you to breathe, to calm down, and tell me what's wrong. Sometimes this works, and sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes trying to put what's wrong into words causes you to melt down all over again. These mini-Chernobyls are accompanied by the waving of hands and near-hyperventilation, and it might be comical if it weren't so appalling.

But it's not all high drama. Mostly you play and laugh and read and draw and play some more. A couple of weeks ago, we went to Idaho to visit our extended family. You saw your Great Grandma Ruth, and met some Great Aunts you had never seen before, and after your shyness wore off, you gorged on deviled eggs and baked beans. You swam in the hotel pool and you got to sleep in a big bed with your mom and dad. I'm pretty sure you think that the hotel was "Idaho."

You have an uncanny ability to make me laugh. When you play, you use different voices for your dolls and stuffed animals, to jazz up their conversations. One night, while we were trying to get you to go to sleep in "Idaho," I caught you sticking your finger up your nose. I told you not to pick your nose. Then, you took your dolly's fingers and stuck them in your nose. And I said, "No, dolly, don't pick Penny's nose." So then you made your dolly pick her own nose, saying, in your cute little dolly voice, "Oh! I got boogers!"

And I'm not one to condone booger humor, but this made me laugh until I cried, and you were exceedingly delighted.

Also, you have perfected the evil eye. See?





Meanwhile, your potty chair is collecting dust, because you shun it. So I will continue to (try to) be patient, until you are ready to use it. Because if there's one thing I've learned these past 27 months, is that you will do things when you are good and ready. I'm sorry I get frustrated sometimes; it feels good to say that. We're in this together. You will always be my baby.

Love,
Mom

2 Years Old

May 6, 2010

Dear Penny,

Two years ago, you came into our lives, our Lucky Penny, our golden child. I've never told you this before, but it took a lot longer for you to get here than we thought it would. Someday I will tell you the whole story, but ultimately, things didn't work out the way we expected (twice), and I had to learn how to cope when things didn't go my way. But now you're here, and you've made me so happy, I don't think about all of those sad days I had before you came along. The third time really was the charm, and my luck has changed.



It's hard to believe that just a year ago, you weren't quite walking yet. Now you zoom around. You can gallop! A year ago, you were still eating mostly mushy food, and now you can devour a good part of a rotisserie chicken on your own. A year ago, you only had a couple of words, and now you can say, "Look mommy, I have a new dress on!" You had a haircut the other day, and you told the woman you wanted to watch Elmo's World while she cut your hair, and you asked for an orange balloon when you were done.



In no particular order, your favorite things are coloring with markers, dancing, swinging on swings, digging in the garden and watering the plants with your watering can, taking care of your baby doll, and eating chocolate cake. You have a burgeoning interest in dressing up, with bracelets and sunglasses and you like to wear scarves as fancy skirts. You are really into Fancy Nancy right now, and I'm apprehensive of having a princess-diva-movie-star-child, but I went through a princess phase when I was little, and I still turned out (more or less) ok.



You're getting better at sharing and we're working on taking turns and not grabbing things from our friends. You have a surprising amount of empathy for others, and if someone is upset, you tilt your head, furrow your brow, and earnestly say, "Oh, it's ok," while giving them a reassuring pat on the shoulder. You also get embarrassed easily, a trait you probably inherited from me. If you fall or do something silly, like accidentally walk into a wall, you check to see if anyone saw you, and then you get mad. Trust me, I feel that way a lot.

You have a brand new baby cousin, and "He cute!" as you would say. Watching him sleep and cry and nurse and sleep all over again, reminds me of how tiny you once were and how little I knew. I remember wishing you could just tell me what you needed and wanting so badly to do everything right. I remember being amazed that people intentionally choose to have subsequent children. Now you can tell me exactly what you need, and I don't worry quite so much. We're getting pretty good at this stuff.



Penny, you are my little friend. I miss you when I'm away, and I melt when I come home, and you wrap your arms around my neck and say, "I miss you, Mama." I still check on you at night, before I go to sleep, to make sure your blanket isn't tangled and that you aren't jammed into the corner of your bed. When I see your sweet sleeping face in the dim light of your room, I have to resist waking you with a barrage of kisses. You will always be my baby.

Love,
Mom.

21 Months Old

Dear Penny,

Hello, my Sweet Baboo. My mom used to call me that and I think it's a Charlie Brown reference.

We are hurtling toward age 2 faster than a speeding tantrum, and we've been navigating some time out situations. You haven't had to spend much time in purgatory, yet. You have been saying "Yes" more often and I love to hear that word after so many months of "No." Your favorite book right now is The Elephant and the Bad Baby, which was one of my favorites when I was little (which is why your Auntie M bought it for you). You laugh when we read it because that Bad Baby is pretty funny, and your favorite picture is at the end, when everyone gets to eat pancakes, even the Elephant. Speaking of pancakes, you love to eat yours with jam.

Um, we're going to need some more jam over here.

At dinnertime, you like to eat what we eat (usually), and you like to say "Cheers!" and clink your cup against our glasses. And then you say, "More Cheers!" and we do it again.



You and Daddy are becoming good friends. Not that you weren't already, but I have been in the Number One spot for a long time now, and you are starting to realize that your daddy is pretty cool. You and he were playing with your blocks the other day, and you were telling him all of the words for the pictures on the blocks. He thinks you are amazing. You are the reason he works so hard, and you are the reason his eyes sparkle when he gets home. Sometimes he looks at me, shakes his head, and says, "How did she get so cute? Where did she come from?"

Sometimes I think Daddy is more fun than I am. For one thing, he gives you rides around the house in the laundry basket.

Who will push me?


Daddy will! Vroom!

You love to go to dance class, although you still prefer to watch the other kids before jumping in. You remember things from class and do them at home. Last week you got to hold a pretty leaf in each hand and pretend to be a tree, growing tall, swaying in the breeze, and shaking your leaves. You are an adorable little tree. Today, you spent most of class running back and forth in front of the mirror, with your tongue out, like so:


The best night of the week is when your Aunties and your Uncle P come over to play with you and eat dinner with us. You shriek with joy when they walk in the door. Last weekend was Auntie A's birthday, and you have been singing "Happy Birthday" ever since. I have stopped counting your words because you have well over 100 and I can't keep track anymore. Your best new word is "Awefum," otherwise known as "Awesome."

You are an affectionate little one and it makes my heart melt when you give hugs to your friends and family. You like to hold your cousin's hand when you walk together.

My life would be so dreadfully, painfully dull and lonely without you. I am so lucky to have you. You will always be my baby.

Love,
Mom.

18 Months Old

November, 6, 2009

Dear Penny,

How did I end up with an 18 month old? Where did the time go? I keep saying time is passing so quickly, and it's true. Sometimes when I hold you I think about how big you have gotten and someday, you won't fit in my lap anymore. That thought makes me feel a little sad, so I don't dwell on it for very long. For now, I love to hug and cuddle you. I still rock you a little before you go to bed, and we have an inside joke: Either you or I will start making a funny croaking sound in the back of our throats, and we take turns making each other giggle.

You are so much fun! If you had told me a year ago that motherhood was THIS enjoyable, I might have been skeptical. Not that I wasn't having any fun. But I worried about everything, all the time. Now I feel more relaxed and confident in myself as your mom. You understand so much now. Your vocabulary is growing tenfold and you try to say ANY word we say. Today's exciting new word was "delicious," or "ish-ous." You are also putting two words together. Tonight you said, "Baby watch?" while signing "baby," because you love Baby Signing Time more than anything on the planet and you wanted to go watch it. You think every DVD should be BST and you get a little annoyed if anything else is on TV.

You know something like 14 body parts, and the best words you say are "ees?" (please) and "dank-o" (thank you). Your "please" is heart wrenching because you sign it too, and when you are really desperate for something, you say "ees?" in the most plaintive voice, and then I have no choice but to succumb to your request. Ah, your mom is such a sucker, isn't she?

We have started going to Story Time at the library, and you like to "read" to me while I get ready for work in the morning. You love to scribble on your Magnadoodle, and your scribbles are becoming more purposeful. You like to "cook" while I make dinner, and you have picnics for your dollies using the plastic food from your shopping cart. You are always talking about something, although I think your primary language is Ewok.



You had fun on Halloween, except for the pumpkins. You really don't like pumpkins. We tried to get some fall portraits taken with your cousin, but when we got to the photo studio, they had fake pumpkins as part of the backdrop. You decided right then that you were not going to sit next to those pumpkins and there was NO WAY you were going to get your picture taken without clinging to me and crying. So, we went to the bedding department and I took pictures of you with my cell phone. We saved a lot of money that day.

I still call you my baby, but that is a misnomer. You are a toddler, the very definition of the word. Sometimes you get mad if I don't do something immediately, and you stand rigid, shake your little fists and yell. We have days where every toy and book you own is off the shelf and there is food all over the floor, because things are a lot more fun to get out than to put away. But this is life with a toddler.

In spite of the messes and the mini-tantrums, you are becoming a beautiful little girl. You still fit in my lap, and you love to be cuddled and rocked. I fully and truly adore you. You will always be my baby.



Love,
Mom

15 Months Old

August 6, 2009

Dear Penny,

You are 15 months old! You are amazing! You are getting faster on your feet and you can entertain yourself for longer periods of time. You love books more than ever and we go through several a day. We have been having fun exploring the library, and checking out even more books. Your favorite body part is your bellybutton and you are a little obsessed with everyone’s Belly Bs.

You love to watch Sesame Street and your favorite character is Elmo. Elmo is NOT my favorite, but I like him because you do. Watching Sesame Street with you is something I enjoy because it was my favorite show when I was little. And it is just as entertaining for me as it is for you. Neil Patrick Harris as the Shoe Fairy? Hilarious! I am tempted to order some Old School episodes and subject you to some of my '70s nostalgia. Your Opa and Oma taught me how to read, but I credit Sesame Street with helping me learn my letters and numbers, not to mention some of the best songs ever. I'm stuck on the Ladybugs' Picnic right now!

You have a lot of teeth (11!) in your mouth and you have been putting those new molars to good use. You are tired of baby food and you like to eat whatever we are eating. You love hummus and berries, especially. Making messes with your food is something I try to see as artistic expression.



Speaking of artistic expression, another thing my parents did for us was to encourage our artistic abilities at a young age. When we were living in Wisconsin, your Oma bought a huge roll of paper from the paper mill, and we would pull out one big piece of paper onto the floor at a time. We would spend hours coloring and drawing on the sheet, and then your Oma would hang up our masterpiece like a giant mural on the wall. I want to do that with you!

Your Oma knew a lot about early childhood development and education because she was a preschool teacher. I wish I could ask her for more ideas for fostering your creativity. I bought some crayons that were for 18+ month-old kids, and showed you how to use them on paper, but you were really more interested in banging them together and then throwing them. Oh well. I guess that's why it said "18 Months" on the box.



You love your family. When your aunties come over, you scream with delight when you see them. You give your Grandma and Grandpa M hugs and kisses when you go their house and they think you are quite charming. You wait at the door for Daddy to come home from work, and when you see him coming up the walk, you shriek excitedly, run in place, and sign “Daddy.” You are loved by so many. Your Opa is coming to visit this weekend and he will be surprised to see how much you've grown.

The other day, I was sitting in the living room, watching you stomp around on your little legs, with your little pigtail waving in the breeze, and I almost cried. I wanted to cry because I couldn’t believe my good fortune. You really are my lucky Penny.



You will always be my baby.

Love,
Mom

10 Years Ago

June 21st, 2009

Dear Penny, 10 years ago, your dad and I got married. To celebrate our 10th anniversary, we went out on the first date we’ve had alone since you were born. Your Auntie Annie came to stay at the house while you slept, and we went out to one of our favorite “fancy” restaurants, The Paris. We had been saving a bottle of wine that was given to us as a wedding present, and we decided it was time to open it.

Not too shabby.

Over dinner, we talked about the last decade, and what we want to do with the next one. Your dad is a bit of a dreamer, you see, and he has big plans for us. We took our time, savored every bite, and enjoyed our bottle of wine. Then we had dessert. And coffee. When we got home, you were still asleep and you didn’t even know we had left. This has inspired me to go out more often with your dad and to not be afraid to ask our friends and family to babysit.

I’ve also been remembering my wedding day and how nervous and excited I was. We were very poor because we were both still in school, but we splurged on the venue, and your Grandma and Grandpa Miller let us have our reception at their house. I had one of my best friends do our photography, and I had my dress made by a seamstress in town, after I got discouraged trying on expensive wedding gowns I couldn’t afford.


My dress, made just for me.

The day before the wedding, the woman from the bakery called to say her “cake stacker” had walked out, and didn’t have a way to make our tiered wedding cake. So instead, she offered us several different smaller cakes, which we put on the tables at our reception. That way, our guests could try lots of different kinds of cake, if they wanted to. Everyone thought it was a good idea.


Note: Han and Leia caketoppers. Your parents are geeks.

In the days leading up to the wedding, we had a couple of parties, including an enchilada night, so that as people came into town, they could come over and enjoy good food and company, before the formality of the wedding. And instead of a bachelor/bachelorette party, we went bowling with our friends and family.


Your father's hair. Later that summer, he went and got all "respectable."

Your dad and I wrote our own vows, and we kept them secret from one another until the ceremony. Your dad’s Godfather officiated and we stood in front of a little waterfall and declared our love for each other. In honor of the last 10 years, I dug out our wedding album, so I could read our vows, because I don’t remember exactly what we said, because I was sort of busy crying while your dad was talking. Mostly I remember being so happy and everything else was a blur. Sometime, when you want to feel all mushy, you can read them too. I’m so glad we kept them, even though my copy is all smudged from crying.



It has been fun to reminisce and look at photos from 10 years ago, before we had digital cameras and could upload pictures to the computer. And I love your dad more and more, because we've been through so much together during this short decade. Even though our relationship has changed since our twosome became a threesome, we can’t imagine anything better than being together.


I love you. You are the tangible, hug-able result of our love for each other. You can wear my wedding dress someday, if you want to. You will always be my baby.

Love, Mom.

Happy Birthday, Baby.

May 6, 2009

Dear Penny,

Happy Birthday! A year ago today, the doctor put you on my chest, you took your first breath of air and your purplish-blue skin flushed pink. Then you opened your mouth and YELLED. Giving birth to you was the most amazing experience I have ever had, and on that day, we became a family. I have been looking at pictures from a year ago and it’s crazy to see how little you were. You’ve come a long way as a baby, and I have to say, I’ve come a long way as your mother. I’ve also been planning a little party in your honor, just you wait. (Ooh, I can’t wait!)

Miss Independent, helping herself to everything in her room...

Very exciting things have been happening. You have decided that you like to go places and you’ve been trying to walk. No crawling for you! You cruise along furniture and you like to take our hands and walk with support. I usually let you steer so you can show me where you want to explore. The other day you walked along the wall, but you got stuck and panicked when the wall ran out. You have been pointing to things, and you vocalize to let me know when you want something. You also let me know when something is wrong. You scream like a banshee when you get upset, even if it is over the tiniest thing. You’re so dramatic! You are also very ticklish, especially under your chin and under your arms. We laugh every day. There is nothing more wonderful than your laugh.

You also have a new uncle, and I have a new brother! Your Aunt Meg married Paddy a couple of weeks ago in a private ceremony. They will travel to Barcelona this month to honeymoon, which is very romantic. I hope that someday you will find someone you love, someone who loves you, someone who will make you happy. Someone who will travel to Barcelona with you.

Something very sad has happened too. Two days ago, your Great Grandma Ethel passed away. She had an amazing life of 96 years, and we miss her already. It will be strange not to visit her anymore. I’m so glad she got to meet you. She loved you very much. Her exit from this world has made me think about mortality, more so than I usually do. It was hard to watch her leave us. But when I woke up this morning, cars were still driving down the street. Flowers were blooming. You were taking wobbly steps toward me. Life stops. Life continues.

I think it will only be a matter of days before you figure out that you can walk on your own. You are very much like I am. I’m sorry to say you might have inherited my overly cautious personality. You like to be in control and you don’t like to fall. Someday I will tell you how hard it was for me to learn how to ski.

Anyway, I can see you over-thinking it. Sometimes you have to let go and trust yourself. It will be ok. And don’t hate me if I sign you up for tumbling/swimming/skiing lessons, so you won’t be (too) hindered by your strong sense of self-preservation. On the other hand, it is even harder for me to let go, to release you from my protection and watch you stagger away from me on your little baby legs, even though I want you to be independent. I hope I’m not holding you back. I just don’t want you to get hurt.

You are getting so big. Every day, you seem a little different, a little more mature. I can’t wait to see what this next year will bring, but I don't want it to go too quickly. You will always be my baby.

Love, Mom

9 Months Old

February 6, 2009

Dear Penny,

You are 9 months old! I can’t believe it. These months passed much more quickly than my 9 months of pregnancy. You are very entertaining. You love to babble and you use a lot of inflection when you talk. You have been shouting, “Ah, Ah, AHHHHH!” for some reason, which makes me laugh, and then you will start laughing as though you just told a funny joke. You are frightened of loud noises now, such as the vacuum cleaner and the food processor. The other night, I was trying to make cookies, but I couldn't use the mixer because it made you cry! This is because your hearing is very good!

I know your hearing is very good because back in December, I took you to the University so the students in the audiology program could practice testing a baby. It was hard for me not to help too much during the test. You did very well and you made me proud. Someday I will figure out how to download the video of your hearing test.

So far, your favorite things to eat are oatmeal, sweet potatoes, and bananas. Mmm. You love to eat and one of my favorite things to do is feed you. I am trying to sign to you, especially when you are eating, and you wave your hands at me whenever you watch me sign. I think you will start signing soon.

You have also started waving to people, although sometimes you get so excited you start flapping both arms. When we ask you, “Where’s Chupa?” or “Where’s Boom?” You will look around for one of the cats. You are more consistent with finding the cats than finding “daddy.”

You still really like to be held and you are happiest when you are on my lap or clinging to my shirt. Sometimes you remind me of the baby colobus monkey we saw at the zoo this fall. There was a mommy colobus monkey sitting up in a tree with a little tiny baby clinging to her chest. You could barely see the baby because his mommy’s hair kept him hidden. I felt like I could really identify with her. She was holding her little baby who was all tucked away and protected by his mommy. I watched them for a long time and thought, “I’m with you, sister.”

Speaking of hair, your hair is looking a lot like your daddy’s hair. You really are my golden child. I love to look at you when you are sleeping peacefully, or when you are playing, or when you are thinking. I marvel at you every day. I can’t believe how much better my life is now that you are in it. You will always be my baby colobus monkey.

Love,
Mom.

6 Months Old

November 4, 2008

Dear Penny,

I can’t believe you are already 6 months old. You are growing every day and each morning when you wake up, you look a little different. I have been noticing other babies who are younger and smaller than you and it’s funny to think that you were once that little.

You are getting stronger and you can sit on the floor by yourself for a little while before toppling over. We tried sitting in the shopping cart at the store, and you were able to do it! I strapped you in and proceeded to push the cart very carefully and slowly around the store. We also tried some rice cereal the other day and you were pretty excited to try something new. I’m not sure how much you actually ate, but we will keep practicing.




I went back to work part-time last month and it has been hard for me. I think about you all day long and I can’t concentrate. Everyone at work has been very supportive, but sometimes I wonder if I am doing the right thing. I really like my job and I like what I do. My career is important to me and it is a big part of who I am. But I like you a lot more than I like my job. So we’ll have to see where these feelings lead. Meanwhile, your daddy is working harder than ever so that I can be with you. He looks forward to the weekends and he creeps into your room to kiss you when he gets home from a long day.

You get to go to Grandma and Grandpa M’s house on the days I go to work, and they get a kick out of playing with you. I am glad that you get to spend time with them. We are still working on making sure you get enough sleep during the day AND at night, which has a big impact on your demeanor.

Today we had a monumental election in our country. Everyone in your family took part in the democratic process and voted. I am happy to tell you that for the first time in history, a black man is the president of our country. I am very excited and optimistic for the future, YOUR future.

I have a sneaking suspicion that this month will fly by and soon it will be Christmas. I know you will continue to delight and amaze us. You will always be my baby.

Love, Mom.